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Self-searching as a habit.

August 5, 2012

For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step 10, P 88)

It is no secret that maintenance is tantamount to health in a well-worked program.  It is vital that we build a healthy awareness of where we have become powerless, understand lack of manageability, recognize a relationship with a higher power, inventory our actions, list and work with our character defects, clean up our previous damage, listen and speak to God (as we understand him), and give everything we learn and feel away to others in order to keep it.

It is also no secret that growth and transition can be odd, uncomfortable and confusing… making all of what is listed as tantamount above vital to a way of life that offers results, illumination, and a constant dose of humility mixed with a measure of peace, serenity, and joy.

Things have been changing for me for some time now.  Although it could be argued that change is constant, what is happening in my life could be better described as a shift.  How I feel about a bulk of what is happening in some areas is morphing into something completely different from where it had previously been.  With these shifts comes the aforementioned confusion and with confusion comes moments of impatience, impertinence, ego, control and anger.

These are moments that I will do my best to arrest with the awareness of the inflictions and then apply the maintenance that allows me to remember that being human can be (and often is) challenging… but does not have to be detrimental to any part of my life whatsoever.

Self-searching is possibly one of the more favorite of many habits that I have come by through my 21+ years as a sober member of alcoholics anonymous.  I look at all my human behaviors and I try my best to understand my dis-ease and locate the best paths towards solution with a commitment to thoroughness and willingness.  During times of “shift”, however, it seems that I am doing nothing but the re-cycling of mantras and the arresting of thoughts that could prove damaging to the world around me (not to mention my own mental health.)

Stop. Smile. Breathe.

The best way to a solution is through whatever  does not feel correct.  This is where I claim my powerlessness, surrender and stay out of the result.  I am confident that the transition I find myself within is going to settle me on to a new fork on the path I have traveled for so long.  I am trusting of the relationship I have established with a power greater than myself, which helps me to avoid the constant grabbing of the steering wheel.  Quite frankly, I don’t want to drive.  I would prefer to sit in a passenger seat, look at the scenery, and continue my habit of self-searching.

It is where I find my peace.  It is where my biggest transitions are coming.

Stop. Smile. Breathe.

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