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Are you doing what you want to do?

September 23, 2012

…and if not who is stopping you from doing it?

As much as I have looked at my life inside and out and worked to change, improve, enlighten, and motivate myself to grow and not only find but travel my path with everything I can muster, I still mind myself stalled from time to time because I can be seized with self doubt.

Working a program, being aware of my surroundings, understanding what has not worked for me, and generally doing my best to live in solution does not always stop the voices from grabbing my attention again and again.  I have tools to arrest them and I am actively working to make sure that the tools are being used as much as I am capable.

But, as the book says, acceptance is the answer.  I am not always going to be spot on in my behavior, my mood, my reactions… or my program.  This is a fact of my life.  What is important beyond the simple understanding that I am human and some things are simply harder for me than other people, is that I must also learn not to let my mistakes and foibles become an excuse for victimization or self-pity.

My life has turned out better for me than I could have possibly imagined it being.  I am proud of who I am as a human being.  I have excelled in places that I did not even consider and learned about myself in ways that I have actively not considered possible.  This is the miracle of my sobriety and the program (along with all that comes with it) that has aided me within the journey all the way through.

But having a program and putting some “time” under one’s belt is not the answer to life.  It is an aid to answers… answers to questions that will (if I am lucky) constantly be asked.

In my life today I find myself lacking in a part of the spirituality I love because I am feeling trapped in a place that I am not sure is where I belong any longer.  I have lost key elements of what makes me tick creatively in a world that can sometimes be anything but creative (in an environment that deals with what should be creative.)

What I face is the crossroads where I find myself asking why I am not being creative.  The immediate answer is to ask myself:  “who’s fault is it if you are not?”

Nobody but myself.

I can easily tell myself that I need to be where I am because it is where I am supposed to be.  This may be true, in fact, I do believe that I have something more that I have to learn within my current landscape.  Something that I have avoided and possibly even not recognized.  But even if I am meant to be in this place for whatever period of time remains… why would or should this stop me from the creativity I am capable of, and seem to be craving?  Why would this stop me from writing a book, auditioning for a play, re-learning the art of editing, or painting?

I would probably tell you it is about lack of time… but I must cry BULL to that excuse.  I could answer that I am not as creative as I think I am and the results of anything I might try would be feeble and possibly even embarrassing.

This is the point of today’s blog entry.  We tell ourselves that we cannot do something that only serves as a means to thwart the human spirit.  There is no human reason to stop yourself from being exactly what you want to be if you look at it as an experience.  Not everything I do will succeed in ways that my head may possibly expect it to, but the action of having tried will provide my spirit with endless moments of joy and pride, building my confidence and widening my path.

Anything I do could also shift gears in my life and provide me with adventures I would have otherwise only dreamed about… thinking this was something that only others would be able to accomplish.

I am not too old.  I am not too stupid.  I am not too anything.  I am talented, creative, and very, very driven.

Today I only hope, for anyone who might read this, a moment of power.  I heard the other night that we must remember when we are at the edge of that cliff we can dive and discover the invisible wings that we never thought were there.  This is what my program teaches me.  I may not always learn quickly.  I may not always remember… but in the end I always accomplish what I set out to do.  I have proven this and there is no reason to prove it further where I really want to be.

Please do not go jump off a cliff, it’s a metaphor.

Enjoy your day.  Remember:  Stop. Smile. Breathe.

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