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The stories I tell myself

July 7, 2013

Raise your hand if you’ve got the tendency for an active, chattering mind.

Today I want to write about fear in its most innocuous form: the voices in my head.  I am able to write about this today because I am in a beautiful place in my life and am able to see my disease for what it truly is.  These days, most of the time, I am in this place as a result of working, experiencing and breathing a decent program of living to the best of my ability.

But don’t be fooled, people like me can become blissed out spiritual creatures and still struggle with the fear that creates arguments, voices, and scenarios aimed to sabotage or hamper perfectly good situations, places or relationships.

Very annoying.

Tell me if you recognize this:  Fear tells you that you are going to lose something or, perhaps, you’re not going to get something you want.  This could be about a relationship, a job, a promotion, a gift, a class… the list could go on for days.  Instead of being rational your head begins to weave tales of WHY this event, situation, or desire is possibly or potentially not going to come to fruition.  Suddenly you are angry and your morning, afternoon, day or life is ruined or at the least painfully disrupted (the drama!!) Before you have any real proof that what you are afraid of is actually real, your head is telling you it is all over.  If the situation is particularly important there is always the chance that staged arguments or confrontations can begin to sprout (in your head) while driving a car or daydreaming in an office.  Before you know it the expectations you’ve set both within the desire you FEEL you are losing and the crashing defeat your head has just created are all tumbling down into a pile of dust and darkness.

Where does this come from? Is this sort of scenario a sign of insanity or mental illness?  For people like me it is nothing unusual (and I really am sane, I promise.)  It is the tales of a creative soul, the stories that are manufactured in blind fear to either justify why something will not happen or how horrible the people that are preventing it really are.

It’s all bullshit.

Fortunately over time I have found a way to combat the stories I tell myself.  Although no amount of good program can completely eradicate the source of my “ism”, I can arrest the behavior and look at it from a more realistic and reliable frame of mind and spirit.  The bottom line is the fear is always culprit.  Although I will never be completely fearless I am able to recognize irrational fear and replace it with faith in most situations.  When I begin to tell stories in my head these days I put pen to paper and read back the tale I have woven.  Although this is not a surefire dousing of a fire, I am often shot back into a reality as well as a gentle reminder that I have no real proof the situation is as dire as the voices suggest AND of the solutions to everything that are much more desirable.

Thank God I have solutions.

Remember to Stop. Smile. Breathe.

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