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When things don’t go my way

August 18, 2013

It’s not necessarily a good day when I feel like stamping my feet and grousing about the world not going as I feel it should.

Everyone on the face of this Earth has had the feeling of things not going their way.  We are taught (in many ways) to forge ahead in new directions, build our own brands of unique identity, question authority and never believe we cannot accomplish a goal.  I am not for a minute going to tell you that this isn’t true, possible or even remotely bad.  I, for one, love individualism and the lessons that every decision and move I make provide.  I have trudged a few roads towards happy destiny myself.  I don’t like to be pigeon-holed into believing I am limited in any aspect of this mortal coil.  The older I get the more stubborn I can become and the harder I might try to prove to myself (or to those around me) I am worthy and capable of things I don’t suspect you would think me able to do.

But…

What I am learning that becomes ever more apparent through the years I have become a student of living, is there is a very fine line… almost invisible… between what I want to control and what I need to let go control of.  That line has much to do with my intentions underneath the thoughts and actions.  It is also deeply intertwined with the FEAR that I am tied to within whatever I am trying to control, change or manipulate.

Fear is ever-present in these blog entries, not because I live in it, but because it is an absolute for me.  The more I write about it, am aware of it or work on it, the less it holds me.  It is not something I will ever be completely free from, so the answer is to simply change my relationship with it completely.

When I look at areas of my life that are uncomfortable, where I don’t enjoy, I am angry within or I just don’t understand… I am invariably dealing with my fears of God taking something away from me or not giving me something my head has convinced me I need, want or deserve.  In all of these scenarios my fear manifests as a need to control the situation.  I am going to go out and get this thing.  I am going to fight to make sure that I don’t lose it.  I am not spiritually connected in these situations.  I am, instead, God-adjacent and not in the place of faith that I have learned is absolutely vital to the spiritual end result I have been fortunate enough to experience so many times during the course of my work in this classroom.

But wouldn’t it be easier to instantly be able to recognize that I am not doing what provides this result when I am in dis-ease and struggling to understand why the things I believe I want or need in my life are not happening for me?

This is the other side of the coin.  In recognizing that I am in fear during these situations I am able to arrest the mindset and move back into comfortable territory, but my brain and its thinking process can easily set itself back to a default mode of self-obsession and forget that trust and faith have never truly done me wrong when applied liberally throughout my life.  This is where acceptance becomes a helpful tool.  Acceptance of who I am as a result of where I have been.  Acceptance of my being a student of spirituality and life.  Acceptance of mistakes as lessons.  Acceptance of growth in God’s time and not my own.  Acceptance of why I am where I am (the reminder that I am here to be of service.)   I am powerful in my faith of a power greater than myself.  I am powerless outside of it.  This is a distinction I have full understanding of, but can quickly forget because fear is still a very strong foe.

So I will simply continue to learn and re-learn.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time if necessary.  It is all there is for me, and in the big picture it is everything and all I need.  The challenge for me is to remember that I am fighting against the faith in God that I KNOW will provide what I truly need when I am stamping my feet or acting out in any shape or form because I am not getting what I want or believe I need.   This is not a productive use of my time and certainly does not result in the happy destiny I prefer.  When I am in that place, however, I do have the option to switch the channel by remembering to…

Stop. Smile. Breathe.

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