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I am trying to control my need to control

September 22, 2013

Life can be ironic at almost every turn. Take for example a control freak trying to control the tendency.  Surely you can see the irony there?

Question: how will a control freak know when they are trying to completely run the show?  Answer:  when they are unhappy during the process or with the result.  Why does this happen?  Because we assume the power role and let go of our faith in anything outside ourselves.

When it comes to  trying to control my life and all that is within and around it, I have struggled for as long as I can remember.  I have been able to learn, through years of sobriety, that the endless need to run the show and dictate its outcome is tantamount to playing God in bits and pieces throughout my day.  When I am assuming this role I am producing a faulty show.  When I am channeling that self-centered behavior I am asking for a result that will provide my life (and the lives of those around me) with less than fruitful results, tinged with doses of arrogance and anger.

The moment I play God and try to run the show will be the moment I begin to slide into the bad moods, resentment and dis-ease that are so easily located and adopted in any normal day in my head.  My control is motivated by the very same fears that seem to justify most of the things that have the potential to go wrong in my life:  Will I not get what I want or will I have something I want taken away?

On the better days I will arrest the controlling patterns and behavior.  I will look at the fear and recognize it for its ability to spin fables and fabrications that seep slowly (sometimes quickly) into my susceptible mind.  My ISM (which some say stands for “I sabotage myself” or “incredibly short memory”) is what sets me apart from my fellows and is the reason I must constantly learn and relearn the methods and actions I have been prescribed to bypass the need to control and accept the methods towards faith in a result.

So what if I am in fear of losing something?  Why wouldn’t it make sense that it isn’t “mine” to have or that the “loss” I fear wouldn’t provide me with an opportunity for something better or more “correct” to my path?  What about the fear of not getting something I want?  Have I reviewed this or challenged myself with the question of why I feel I need it, or looked at the difference between a perception of need and the reality of this being a selfish or self-centered “want”?

Common sense might help me to return to grace and remember that I have learned to practice faith in all matters relating to my fears.  But my ISM is strong and needs constant spiritual medication to be reminded of this.  I am forever trying to control my tendencies to control, thus providing me with one of the greater ironies of my existence.  It certainly continues to keep things very interesting.

My name is Mark and I am a control freak.

Stop. Smile. Breathe.

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