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I’m having a fight in my head, leave me alone.

September 29, 2013

Silence is golden.

It’s a pity my ISM rarely allows for complete silence.  It is, however, fortunate that the more I maintain a spiritual program, the quicker I can arrest the chatter and begin to laugh it’s sublime ridiculousness.  In the meantime it is important to accept that I am very human and afflicted with a disease that will likely create new chatter endlessly throughout the remaining years of consciousness.  I have, as a result, decided that the best medicine (outside of the spiritual maintenance previously mentioned) is to embrace my humanity and learn to understand my ISM as best as possible.  In large part I have begun a life-long relationship with the voices in my head.  Those uncontrollable and often rather loud bits of paranoia and anger that sprout at the first nano-second that I let my guard down and begin a pathway to a regression into self-pity and selfishness.

I have to be careful of default mode.

There is one place in-particular that I find myself the most susceptible to the voices creating a hostile environment in my head.  When I leave my work after a long day, and most definitely when I have left without some feeling of ‘wrapping up’ whatever multitude of loose ends always going on, I get in the car to drive home and the process potentially begins.  If I have read something that I feel I need to respond to (not instantly or defensively which is a very dangerous way to build relationships) I can very easily find myself fighting or plotting with the person or persons who is (allegedly) causing the ISM to flair.  What this means is I am suddenly in dis-ease and creating the mighty “solutions” with people who are not only not with me to answer, but unaware as a whole there is any reason for this possible furor and strife.

I believe my ISM feels it is protecting me.  The world I have created around me for years had been one of defense and fear.  It wants the best (however misguided and misdirected) and often without my even realizing it, makes sure I am not going to be hurt or bested.  Control of situations, people, places and things is a vital goal of the unconscious and uncomfortable fears that lie in awaiting within me.  Quieting them down is the ultimate purpose, but shutting them up permanently is as unlikely as becoming immortal.  As one would learn to live with any disease, I have and continue to learn to live with my astonishingly creative and volatile voices.

There are days, too, where the voices are stronger than my ability to work within my program.  I am hungry, angry, lonely and / or tired.  I am weak from disillusion and not practicing the most important means of escaping the self: being of service to others.  On these days the voices can throw me into a mood instantly and take me to places where I willingly and effortlessly sabotage other areas of my life, often not even remotely related to the fabricated source of the original “problem.”

Kicking the dog, so to speak.

But with vast improvement and proof that I am better off with the awareness and resulting peace, I am able to continue growing and practicing the arresting of this behavior which seems to need to be constantly subdued and wrangled to the ground.  First there is the fight in my head, then comes the awareness that the fight is false and futile, and finally comes the willingness to solve the issue simply by no longer giving it the credence it seems to demand. My ISM demands attention.  It claims its importance and will scream louder than any rational thought if allowed.  If I am to believe that all it pronounces is real and my reacting upon it negatively necessary, I am doomed to be angry, sad and likely alone (if not simply tolerated.)

My program has taught me willingness, awareness and counseling.  First and foremost I counsel myself.  I am patient and kind to what is happening if only to cease its proclaimed importance and move it out of what feels like my reality and back to the fiction section of my conscious or subconscious mind.

I do my best to laugh at it.  I do my best to not take it seriously or provide it too much power.  I remember to….

Stop. Smile. Breathe.

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