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Being honest with what you feel

October 26, 2014

I have worked tirelously to change my life, to grow, to develop, to learn and to work with my assets, defects and mistakes.

There are still days… and sometimes extended periods that do not feel like progress is being made at all.  Where I come from this would be called false evidence appearing real (or FEAR) but it is all too real and sometimes can become confusing and slightly dangerous if I do not pay attention and work through it (as I have been taught.)

Depression is a scary word.  It riles the critics and afflicted alike.  It has the potential to be over-diagnosed and over-medicated if not handled with the right methods or people.  It is also dangerous for people like me who are constantly working to make things better by warding off negatives and stigmas that have either been attached to me or lies I have been told to me by myself or others in the past.

Although it is definitely not my personal goal to acheive anywhere near perfection with my steady dose of program and maintenance in my life, I do feel I am continuing to grow by leaps and bounds.  On no day am I going to provide the world with a 100% model of my being, because by nature I am flawed and afflicted.

I have learned to accept and even embrace this.

My fact remains, however, that I have built myself a life by becoming a person who is honorable, honest, real and giving.  Even if to some, the appearances may not always be of this persona, the human being I am most in touch with is all of these things at the core and very proud of it.

In having built this life I also find myself denying certain feelings and possible indicators for growth and change (FEAR.) In every life there are chapters and I sometimes may not be honest with myself about the instinct within me giving me clues and hints that I might very well be better off moving on into a new challenge (or challenges) other than where I have become most comfortable (and successful) up to this point.

What does this mean?  For me it says that I have been feeling depression about a great situation in my life.  Something that I have worked very hard for and excelled in many ways around.  I have struggled, picked myself up, learned, rose above, lived and loved the world I surround myself within for a living, but it is no longer working for me.  It has reached the point where there does not appear to be any further growth and what I do has become taken for granted.  If I believed that there is power involved I am fooling myself not only because it doesn’t really exist, but also because it is not what I really care for in the first place.  There may have been a time, but now it is only about collecting all the complaints and expectations and keeping people who are very seldom seeing what we do as anything creative or valuable in its doing, happy.

It is important here to note that I do not blame anyone here.  It is not about fault even if I came up with such an answer.  It is more about time and change within me.  If I am going to work this hard I want to feel a passion and see a future.  This, for me, is no longer there.

Happy in some places has become elusive  both for them or for me.  As a result I have felt a depression in the loss of meaning to what I do and have felt the sadness of someone “trapped” (which we all know would only can only really come from me.)

Is there an answer to this for me?  Not in the immediate.  But I must recognize that the previously discussed “power” is still mine in my life (as opposed to in a job.)  By recognizing that something must change I am allowing myself the means to move towards it. This does not make it easier, but it makes it more real, more evident.  It allows me not to deny that the feelings are there, which is dangerous and a lie.  It allows me to remember that the life I have built is not taken for granted or in any way at “fault” or marginalized.  I am filled with gratitude for the person I am and have become.  Being that person and all that comes with it does not shield me from feeling depressions (which for me is a warning flag waving for change.)

It’s time for a new spiritual awakening.

Stop. Smile. Breathe. (Change!)


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