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Sick and tired of being sick and tired

August 9, 2015

If a soul is lucky the phrase used in today’s blog title is often the catalyst to changing how one thinks, behaves, or takes action moving forward.  When I finally got willing to take on the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, for instance, being sick and tired finally took down the barriers (I created) preventing me from finding and accepting willingness to seek a new way of living and progress down an entirely different path of thought, solution and result.

You see, when my ego is involved I am likely always going to end up short of the sunlight of the spirit.  What does that mean?  Why does the ego get such a bad rap all the time?

Simple.

My will is often, if not always going to create a plethora of problems and resentments intertwined with my “best thinking.”  I grab the power and the focus becomes ego driven and often self-obsessed.  When I am in self only I can very easily forget about any power greater than myself (and let’s face it not one of us should fancy ourselves the greatest power,) and the tendency towards unhappiness is manifested.

Life is filled with vicious cycles.  When I am building my atmosphere with negative thinking based on what I think I need, want or ‘deserve’ I will undoubtedly not see anything but the fear and anger illustrating what might or will get in my way towards the ultimate goals I have created.

Right now you are saying to yourself: “whoa… this guy’s an ass.  He’s obviously selfish and unable to see anything outside of himself.”  That’s actually not the truth, nor the real point to the surrender and serenity I am pointing this blog towards.  We are all human and having goals, being driven or looking to improve one’s life do not in any way make a person evil or filled with ego.  It’s important to find the path most important to our ability to be a better person.  It’s nowhere near unusual to see ‘things’ out there expected to make life more fun or fulfilling.

It is when I am looking out ONLY for myself I can begin to lose sight of the real meaning of my spirituality base.  If it is only for me (for any period of time or on any subject) it can become a snowball rolling down a hill.  It collects everything in its path and eventually becomes larger and larger until there is nothing it can do but damage anything in it’s way.  It is dangerous inside and out.  It is detrimental to growth.  It is a killer of happiness.

So even if I am able to muster up the sunlight of the spirit in most areas of my life, where I am out of focus will tend to pick up the most importance and my ISM will latch on to it obsessively and not allow me to see anything but a perception of victimization or intolerance towards me or my goals.  When I concentrate too much in an area which doesn’t please me and leads me towards the constant complaint or living within the problem I will get tired and spiritually lazy.

Then, if I am lucky, I experience the feeling of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I get to a place where it feels as though nothing ever changes.  I am stuck, it is stuck, it is hopeless, it will never end, I am fucked, I am unhappy, I would like to disappear.

This is hitting bottom.  Hitting bottom does not have to be around drugs and alcohol to be real.  Hitting bottom could simply mean you have come to a place with potential for you to finally see change is required.  Hitting bottom is a representation of the brick wall I have talked about in previous blog posts.  I repeat behavior over and over (hitting my head on the brick wall) until I am bloodied and it is (hopefully) over.

Surrender.

In the past weeks I have been reminded through the death of my father to take my life back.  If it feels that something is not going to end, I must be reminded I have the choice to end it.  If I am unhappy it is on me to find the happiness I believe I am missing (but truthfully I am simply not paying attention to.)  If I feel there is opposition to me in any way shape or form (which is often where the ISM can take me) it becomes vital to understand MY PART in whatever this opposition may be.  What can often be the case is my part is almost everything.  I can create the problem or I can simply blow up the problem out of proportion by not being able to understand (or hear) other points of view in the situation at hand.

But it is really the worst when the “opposition” does not know anything about the problem in the first place.

It would seem that being sick and tired of being sick and tired is a gift.  Where it would be best not to reach this level of dis-ease at all, recognizing it, accepting it and putting it to rest is a beautiful second best.  I look at what are perceived to be my problems today and I remember just how fortunate I am to be the person I have become in the places where these problems seem to exist.  The problem is useless.  The problem is of my making.  The problem is a waste of time.  The solution is in compromise, listening and changing how I think.  The solution is in getting out of myself long enough to recognize the ego must be understood and maintained.  The solution is always preferable.  The result is even better.

Stop. Smile. Breathe.

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One Comment
  1. Kevin permalink

    Sounds like the solution has been IN you all along. You are living the solution cuz—you are Being You. The rest will follow…change is happening all the time—Being in change is key—letting it all flow thru you as you sit still as a witness to the change that brings joy of being who you are in each moment. Luv you cuz. Love the “sunlight of the spirit” line. I’m gonna steal that one…

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