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Gotta go through it

August 16, 2015

I am in something right now.  It’s difficult, it’s annoying, it’s uncomfortable, it’s a bit frightening, and it’s taking longer than I would like it to without a hint of understanding or solution.

The thing about this something I am in is I know I must go through it until the solution becomes obvious, the feelings are fully felt, the changes are made and the reasons for the transition are obvious.  There are lessons being learned here and I don’t always have the privilege of knowing what they are while they are being presented.

That would be too easy, and easy isn’t necessarily the best way to grow, learn and develop character along the path.

During this particular stretch of the journey I find myself wanting to isolate.  I am angry at people and things that I know aren’t worth the time and energy of effect on me.  I learned long ago to remember everything is not about me.  I understand people have their own quirks and challenges and in their shoes I could very well find myself doing or being just as they are.

The anger is always about fear or, in some cases, fear with a lack of control over understanding the reasons the fear exists.

Currently I feel as though I am in a tunnel.  It is slightly dark and I am unsatisfied with the surroundings.  My job is not working for me any longer and it is difficult to admit it might be time to go (fear of not being able to pick up with something I want to do or anxiety about not being able to sustain the rest of my days as a result of “inevitable”, but perceived, poverty.)  Then there is the perception of some friends not being what I thought them to be (in dissecting and becoming so aware of my own character defects I become a judge of others character and defects as well.)  Finally there is the solace I have taken for granted over the years.  Simple pleasures offering me refuge from difficult days or situations no longer working where they once did.  This might be the scariest thing for me.  It is as though I am not who I used to be which would beg the questions: “Who am I, then?”  Who have I become?  Is this temporary?  Will it end?  Will I be better as a result?  What will I lose or gain because of it?

Questions abound in confusion.  Over-thinking is dangerous. But these questions could be the biggest problem I face.  In transition and change I have learned must come acceptance and patience.  In this period I am learning I must honor feelings if, at the same time, being careful not to hold on to them obsessively .  I do not want to become a victim of anything as a result of being afraid of something I do not yet understand.  Character is built upon how we handle change and challenge.  Nothing I see before me need necessarily be ending or changing as a whole.  Then again, everything could be changing and that might just be for the best.

In a nutshell: It is I who is changing and I don’t want to be afraid of that.  Change is inevitable and constant.  Sometimes it is subtle, other times very obvious.  Either way it is up to me to understand, recognize and deal with it all like an adult, removing the fear which is likely going to either make the transition last longer or provide me with results which were not really necessary if handled better.

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today.  Looking at the world in front of me and remembering the anger is a manifestation of the fear or lack of control.  Do I need the control?  What exactly am I afraid of?  Every single transition or period of change I have experienced in the past has thrust me (sometimes gently, sometimes forcefully) into a new way of thinking and living.  All of this has spelled the many successes I have experienced in the past.

Why would this transition be any different?  Chill out, brother.

STOP. Smile. Breathe

One Comment
  1. Kevin permalink

    Acceptance of what is. You said it cuz. Clarity will manifest as you sit with your thoughts, fears, and perceived challenges—and the perspective changes, and gratitude for what is guides the new growth and change—and its all sweetly impermanent. Love ya cuz!!

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